Can I handle this?

In the waiting room, I couldn't focus. When the nurse called us back, she asked me how I was doing. I didn't know how to respond. I just kind of murmured something; I am not sure exactly what I said. I just knew I was not ecstatic nor was I down and out. I was just in the middle. I hadn't gotten my hopes up too much. I thought the two week wait was bad, this wait has been far more challenging. Then, she took my vitals and the other basics. DH & I were left to wait. My heart was pounding out of my chest and tears were about to flow. Then, it was our turn.

At first, I saw nothing. And, that's what I had expected. But then, I sac it.... we saw THEM. That's right, there were two sacs. The largest measured 5wd. The smaller of the two measured 4w6d. Our RE was pretty sure she saw a yolk sac in the smaller of the two sacs. Measuring behind would make sense due to our low HCG levels along the way. But, it's to be concerned about since we know when conception took place. It a wait and see game.

We need a miracle... or two. Two healthy babies would absolutely be amazing, but I would for sure be just as happy with one healthy baby.

Several hours after we got home the nurse called. My HCG was 6421. They are doing what they are supposed to!

And we wait... 2nd U/S, 7.30 9:00 AM!

Hope.. is it back?

That little thing called HOPE... is it back? So many times throughout this TTC process I have had hope and I have lost hope. Today, I may have gained some back.

I was laying on my couch this morning. DH had gone golfing. I just couldn't take it anymore. There was no way I was going to wait until next Thursday to get a better indication of what's going on with this pregnancy. I called the clinic. A few minutes later a nurse called and told me I could get a 4th beta completed. That I did! I didn't make it to the lab until just before 12 noon. Therefore, I expected the called later. Nope, I got the call pretty early.

My number didn't double... it more than doubled!!!

It went up to 307!

Good beginning....... bad end?!?!

Beta #3

It didn't even come close to doubling. It was 126. They didn't check my P4. Again, I assumed that they would have me stop my meds with those results. Nope, they wanted me to schedule an U/S. So, this morning I called. I talked to one of the nurses. I basically told her that I didn't understand. She said that it's what Dr. T wanted and that she thought my numbers were fine. WHAT? You have to be kidding me. Should I have hope? I could barely wait between Friday to Sunday and then Sunday to Tuesday. Now, I have to wait until 7.23! How am I, the most impatient person, going to wait that long? I am so nervous. I don't know what to think.

I think that I am going to all the office tomorrow. I am going to ask for a beta, another blood test, on Friday. I need a better indication of what's going on.

Not What I Wanted to Hear

Short & Not sooooo Sweet.

Got the call around 3:30ish. My HCG only went from 48 to 88. It's didn't double. My progesterone went from 27-29.

Beta number 3 Tuesday.

I am devastated!

One day at a time. . . .

Yesterday, was our beta test. We had to leave the house bright and early. Of course, I knew that they test was going to be positive. However, before we left I took another FRER (it was from a new package). The lines (the test and the control) weren't as thick or as dark as the test from the day before. Ohh my... what's up with that? Is it just the test? Do I test better in the evening than with FMU? Is my HCG level going down? I feared the worse. I started cramping. I cramped throughout the day. My test was at 8:30am in Beechmont. There is a Quest Diagnostics Lab there that is closer than my RE's office. After the test was complete, we ate at B.ig Boy and ran to Lowe.s to return some items. We then returned home to wait....

It seemed like eternity, but sometime between 2 & 3pm, we received the call. I could tell by her voice that something was up. "Well, it was definitely positive." Us, "ok." She then proceeded to tells us that my HCG was 48 and progesterone was 27. My progesterone level is great! She did say that the HCG is a little low. Of course, I go back Sunday for another check. I know, I know... the main thing is that it at least doubles.

Last time, my number doubled... but I still lost the pregnancy. I am really hoping for a HUGE jump in numbers. I looked in my IVF packet for more information; the one I got at the beginning of the process. It described how a number less than 5 was negative, 5-45 was most likely a chemcial pregnancy, 50-100 is what they wanted it to be & something greater than 125 could mean twins. Well, here's my question:

What about 46, 47, 48 & 49?

I am so frustrated. I don't understand. I don't want to understand. I just want it to work. I pray that tomorrow my numbers are great. But, in the back of my mind I am fearing the worst. What about that test? What about the cramping? Why am I not cramping today? What about last time?

I wanted to test again last night. But, I didn't. I wanted to test again this morning. But, I didn't.

I am pregnant! I hope I stay pregnant for another 9 months. I guess tomorrow is another big day in our journey to having a healthy baby. I hope tomorrow is a good day.

Today is the DAY!

Leaving in 25ish..... Will post when I hear the news....

Nothing to say, just something to show!

My beautiful embies!

A little late, but never too late.

Friday is the big beta day!

* Sorry about the date! Forgot to change it before I took the picture. I took the picture today.

Simply Amazing!

Yesterday was one of the most nerve racking; yet, amazing days of my life! DH & I got up as usual to complete my PIO shot. We have become pros at that! I think I spoke too soon, my hind end is really starting to hurt. Afterwards, we decided to leave a little early. On our way, we dropped some DVDs off at DH's parent's house (they are going on vaca). Then, we stopped at BK. Yes, I know... so healthy, but it was ohhh so good! Then, we stopped at the gas station. DH got me my H2O to down. I had be instructed to drink the equivalent of 6-8 glasses before arriving. We stopped at Wally World where we picked up "The Big Band Theory" Season 1 and a couple of books (hoping this would hold us over during our wait). We then proceed onto the clinic. While driving, I drank my water.

By the time I reached the clinic, I was floating. Drinking that much water that fast, I didn't feel well. We arrived and told the receptionist that we were there. A few minutes later we were whisked to the back; the same area my where our ER had been completed. First, DH & I both had to change. Then, we went straight to the room where the ET itself would be completed while our RE got prepared. After the basics where taken care of, the lab technician that I had been talking to the last few days asked me to state my full name. I did. Then, she gave us a photograph of the two beautiful embies that they would be transferring. She told us that both of them were graded 1.0; the best possible grade. She also said that they would be freezing two others and culturing the other 4. I cried.

We were then underway. It took a few moments to get things situated. My RE said, "everything look backwards!" She had been having a hard time finding/seeing what she needed to. Come to find out, the nurse holding the ultrasound wand had it backwards making everything inside of me look backwards. When that was solved, the ET the proceeded. Within seconds we could see the media on the ultrasound. Then, two flashes of light.... our embies at the top of my uterus. Everyone left the room, DH and I where left to relax. The nurse even turned the monitor toward us so that we could look at it as we waited. They even gave us a picture of the embies' placement. The experience and the feeling we had at the moment, was simply amazing!

The rest of the day, I relaxed. I feel asleep pretty soon after we got home. I woke up with a headache. After some cold wash clothes and dinner, I felt better. I spent the rest of the evening watching TV with my legs propped up.

Today, much more of the same. PIO, lunch and TV. We got word today that they were able to freeze one more embryo. DH is out right now running errands. He is picking us up some S.ubway, getting gas and a few movies! I am not on bed rest. Yesterday, they told me to take it easy the rest of the day and to not do anything crazy, my ovaries are still enlarged. So, I haven't been doing much.

As we have done many times throughout this process, we are now waiting. Every time I walk by the counter in our kitchen, I see the picture our of embies. I pray. I pray that they stick.

Mommy already loves you!

Getting sooo close!

What did we do to pass time today? We went grocery shopping! Along with that, we stopped at Wendy.s. Right now, DH is at softball. He has a double-header. I just got word from him that they first game didn't go so well.

O.k onto what's more important to us right now... How are our embies doing?

The first call came around 10:20 this morning. It was from one of the nurses. She said that ET is on for Thursday. We are to arrive at the clinic at 12:15pm. She told me to empty my bladder an hour before and to drink 6-8 glasses of H2O. Agh! Maybe I should have practiced that! ohh darn, I didn't do my homework. The ET itself is set for 12:30pm. The nurse also told me that the lab would be calling later in the day.

Well, we ran our errands. And, of course we waited. Around 3:55pm, I started getting anxious. They hadn't called! So, I called them. The clinic immediately transferred me to the lab. They had simply forgot to call. Earlier, when I got the first call, the nurse had told me a overview of my embies, but I wanted to hear it from someone in the lab itself.

On day 5, they would like the embies to be morula or blasts. Again, they graded them on a 1-4 scale; 1 being the best.

6 from group 1
2 were graded 1.5 (both blast)
2 were graded 2.0 (both morula)
2 were graded 3.5 (1-3 cell & 1-4 cell --- these were degenerating: ( )

2 from group 2
1 was graded 1.5 (blast)
1 was graded 2.0 (blast)

Unfortunately, it sounds as though we have lost two embies. Although, I am sadden, I am so very happy we have 6 growing strong.