Sunday, August 30, 2009

New Start of Old Routines

Oh my! It's only been a month or so since I stopped taking Whey Protein, but I forgot how horrible it can taste. Today, I reintroduced my body to that chunky drink (the powder added to H2O). I really need to find a better (well, at least a different) way to mix the powder. I may try milk. The reason I am adding Whey Protein back into my diet is because I am not sure if I want to jump straight into a FET in December (when we think we may get to start trying again). DH & I have discussed trying IUI again. I am not sure what our RE may think or suggest, but I am hoping to talk to her about that idea soon.
This evening, DH & I went on a long walk with the puppies. It was great; it felt good to be out again. DH & I started walking at the end of last school year and continued until ER this summer. This is the first time I have been able and have wanted to get back out. This is when I also indulged myself in my Whey beverage. Yum! : ) I felt accomplished when I returned home. In the coming months, I hope to walk as much as I can. I may even visit the wonderful Recreation Center off and on. I am sure losing a few pounds definitely wouldn't hurt my ego and I am sure it could help out in our TTC adventure.
Last night, I started my Metformin again. I had stopped taking it about a week before my D & C. Normally, when you start Metformin back-up you are to do so gradually. I on the other hand went straight back to taking all 3 of my pills (1500mg)! I have never had side effects from them. I am one of the lucky ones.
So, in the matter of one weekend I have added a few old routines back into my daily life. It feels good to be doing 'something.' In the coming weeks, I am going to start taking my extra folic acid and prenatal again. Until then, I am going to work on sticking to my walking and trying to keep my Whey down.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

emotional pain far worse than physical

Today was the day. It wasn't a good day. I thought I was fine. I quickly learned I wasn't ready for what was ahead of me. Who would be?

We got to the hospital, we waited. Finally, I was called back to get registered. I sat down. I cried. It started and I couldn't stop. It just flowed. After registering, I was immediately called back to get ready. Person after person told me how sorry they were for my loss. Nurse after nurse asked if I had any children at home. Helper after helper asked if I had been pregnant before. They all meant well. Overall, everyone was great. They comforted me the best they could.

After several pokes and prods, I got my IV and bloodwork drawn (checking for RH factor even though I already knew I was RH +). I was sick to my stomach... nerves and just plain sickness (yes, I have still been getting sick each morning). Luckily, I was able to get something for both of those. I was quickly put into a false since of relaxation. We (my sister was able to come back with me) had to wait a little longer than expected. The Drs. ahead of my surgery were running behind. We got to see Dr. T before I went in. The was comforting.

The room was cold. I cried some more. I cry before every surgery. But, this cry was different. Even though I knew my babies didn't make it.... I felt as though something was being taken away from me. Indian Giver. No.... that's not o.k to say. One day He will give and it will be the most amazing time of DH & I's lives. For now, this was His plan. This time it wasn't meant to be.

I was in recovery for a while. I felt horrible when I woke up. I don't even want to discuss that. I felt helpless. I still do.

Now, I am home. I am missing school again. I actually feel pretty good. Dr. T said I may feel o.k for a few days and then have a few days of pretty bad pain. I am hoping that falls on the weekend of just doesn't happen at all.

I forgot to mention.... one of the first nurses I talked to asked if I wanted a death certificate filed. Wow, I wasn't ready for that....

Today, I am resting. Getting ready to go back to school. I also need to call Dr. T's office to schedule my follow-up appointment.

Today, I remember two more Angel Babies 8.25.09

Sunday, August 23, 2009

One door closes, another opens...

It's that time of the year. It's back to school. I am o.k with that. I love my job (most days at least)! I am so ready for the distraction. We both are. We are ready for a TTC break.

Even though we will be taking a TTC break; we will not be on a break from my RE.

My RE got back into town. She wanted to see us right away. I have still been having pregnancy symptoms... that main one I have been experiencing is MS (morning sickness). I can't believe it. I wished and dreamed of MS. And now, I just want it to go away. It's hard enough that I know my babies have passed and now I get the 'joy' of getting sick one or two times a morning. Icing on the cake. I don't like cake.

RE decided to complete an U/S to see what was going on. Of course, we got confirmation. It was so difficult to see the babies again. Both were still there. But, no life.

This was also our WTF appointment. Ohh excuse me... it was our consult appointment. I am just going to jump to our conclusions instead of going through everything we talked about. We covered a lot that day.

~ Thyroid was 4.28 at 6w6d. That could be due to pregnancy, but it could also be a cause of m/c. We have decided to raise my dosage to 50mcg from 25mcg. I am sure we will check my level again soon. I am going to ask them to check my thyroid immediately when I get a BFP in the future.
~ 'Bad' tube. During my LAP last December RE was able to open blocked tube. During IVF we found out that it had closed back up when we saw fluid. That fluid could be toxic to implanting embryos. Although the fluid is not longer there, we have decided to do another LAP and remove the tube. More information to come.
~Blood Work. Took several vials of blood from me and one from DH. Using this blood we are checking for other clotting issues that I may have that were not checked last time and also my thyroid antibodies. From the blood taken, we are also checking our chromosomes. More about these tests... when I find out more. Some of the tests results will not be in for weeks. I expect to hear about some of the results in a couple of weeks.
~ This pregnancy. I am still having symptoms and from the U/S it doesn't seem as though the M/C will start on its own anytime soon. Therefore, we are having a D & C 8.25.09. RE doubts that will be able to complete testing (baby passed too long ago : ( ). I will schedule a follow up appointment after the surgery. I am guessing that the appointment will be within two weeks of the surgery.

So, for the next several months we will not be able to try again. We are on a forced break. We are on a much needed break. I am not sure what we will do after we are 'cleared.' A FET would be the logical route. We did talk a little about that at our meeting, but I am not sure I am sold on that being our next course of action. Although, we did receive some pretty good news about our snowbabies. One was graded 1.0, one was 1.5 and the third was 2.0 when they were frozen. Not too shabby. More about that soon...

For now, I am trying my best to focus on my students and college course. Tuesday is going to be very difficult. I now start a long wait. But, I will be o.k. One day, I will hold a healthy baby in my arms and all of this will be well worth the wait.
Angel Baby 3.15.09
Angel Babies 8.09

Thursday, August 13, 2009

No What We Hoped For

Who was I kidding.... I had my hopes up. And, once again, they were let down. How could one expect us not to have high hopes? I just don't know what to think. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what's next for us. I am lost. I am confused. I am sad. I am heartbroken.

Our third ultrasound was supposed to be a breeze. Everything was supposed to go as planned. It didn't.

As soon as I looked at Dr. H's face, I could tell it wasn't good news. I could see visible growth on the screen... but the picture was missing something... there was no longer a heartbeat. Our hearts were broken. I am going to skip the rest of the story... Basically, I cried.

I have been told to stop my Baby Aspirin and PIO. I have done so. My nurse told me my TSH was out of whack. Pregnancy can cause that. But, who knows? We are going to follow up on that.

Well, I am back to waiting... I am now waiting to miscarry my precious babies. Yes, both babies were still visible. I feel like a failure. Although, Dr. H keep telling me it was nothing I did.

The nurse has called and checked on us. That was nice. She said they will call again. If I haven't started miscarrying within two weeks we may have to take the next step whatever that may be.

So, for now. I am doing the things I couldn't do this summer. The things I wish I still were not able to do (lifting, vacuuming, using chemicals, moving things, drinking caffeine, eating fish...etc). At least it keeps my mind off of things... a little.

I will update when I can... when I feel as though I can. I started this blog in hopes of covering IVF # 1 (and only) and my pregnancy. I guess I have a little more to add to my journey.

In memory ....
Angel Baby 3.15.09 & Angel Babies 8.09

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

U/S # 2

I know, I am running behind. I am no longer in beta H*ll because I am now in ultrasound H*ll. What gives?

Last Thursday, we had our 2nd U/S. Again, I walked into the office nervous. I am just going to jump right to it. . . . As soon as we began the ultrasound, we saw both sacs. The sac that was measuring larger at the last appointment had grew in size. Unfortunately, there was no further development (no yolk sac, fetal pole, etc...). RE DX us w/ Vanishing Twin Syndrome.

We then took a look at the gestational sac that had measured small at the prior appointment. I could obviously tell that it had grew since last week. But, what stood out to all of us (DH, RE and I) immediately... was the precious HEARTBEAT that was there! It was simply amazing. I swear I could tell the baby's orientation. It looked like the head was up and that the baby was facing towards the right (looking on the ultrasound). RE is concerned that the sac was small (space around the baby). She said that this can improve. The baby itself has started to catch up (measured 6w3d, only 3 days behind).

Overall, she seemed pleased. She told me what meds. to continue and which to stop taking at certain points. She also talked to me about getting an appointment with an OBGYN. I also had blood work to check my TSH (thyroid) levels. Since my RE will be out of town, I will be seeing her partner at the clinic for one last appointment before heading off to my new OBGYN.

Please, please let this baby be o.k. I am praying that the gestational sac around the baby continues to grow.

Side notes:
1. Symptoms/Tickers - yes! But, I don't want to get too excited just yet. I want to add a ticker to the blog.. but I am going to wait until I graduate from my RE.
2. Need of something(s) to wear - school is starting...what should I be wearing?
3. OBGYN - Dr. T gave me 2 recommendations for OBGYNs. I called the Monday following the U/S. My 1st OBGYN appt. is 8.21. I hope I made the right choice.
4. 1st things 1st- one last appt. w/ RE's partner 8.10 please....please let everything be o.k


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