emotional pain far worse than physical

Today was the day. It wasn't a good day. I thought I was fine. I quickly learned I wasn't ready for what was ahead of me. Who would be?

We got to the hospital, we waited. Finally, I was called back to get registered. I sat down. I cried. It started and I couldn't stop. It just flowed. After registering, I was immediately called back to get ready. Person after person told me how sorry they were for my loss. Nurse after nurse asked if I had any children at home. Helper after helper asked if I had been pregnant before. They all meant well. Overall, everyone was great. They comforted me the best they could.

After several pokes and prods, I got my IV and bloodwork drawn (checking for RH factor even though I already knew I was RH +). I was sick to my stomach... nerves and just plain sickness (yes, I have still been getting sick each morning). Luckily, I was able to get something for both of those. I was quickly put into a false since of relaxation. We (my sister was able to come back with me) had to wait a little longer than expected. The Drs. ahead of my surgery were running behind. We got to see Dr. T before I went in. The was comforting.

The room was cold. I cried some more. I cry before every surgery. But, this cry was different. Even though I knew my babies didn't make it.... I felt as though something was being taken away from me. Indian Giver. No.... that's not o.k to say. One day He will give and it will be the most amazing time of DH & I's lives. For now, this was His plan. This time it wasn't meant to be.

I was in recovery for a while. I felt horrible when I woke up. I don't even want to discuss that. I felt helpless. I still do.

Now, I am home. I am missing school again. I actually feel pretty good. Dr. T said I may feel o.k for a few days and then have a few days of pretty bad pain. I am hoping that falls on the weekend of just doesn't happen at all.

I forgot to mention.... one of the first nurses I talked to asked if I wanted a death certificate filed. Wow, I wasn't ready for that....

Today, I am resting. Getting ready to go back to school. I also need to call Dr. T's office to schedule my follow-up appointment.

Today, I remember two more Angel Babies 8.25.09