Lost in Space

I feel lost.

Everyone around me seems to be pushing out babies, pregnant or at least cycling. I am waiting. I can't stand that word right now. That's all we do in the IF world, wait. And, normally what do we get? We get bad news. Worse off, when we do get good news we can't enjoy it because we know that bad news could be right around the corner.

When is AF going to be here? It's day 36. I don't know what to expect. I just hope she's here in the next week or so. I don't want my LAP to be moved back. Has anyone ever taken meds. to start AF after a D&C? Would they even consider? Or, does it have to come natural?

I feel like I am on my own. I have nothing to talk about of any interest. Me, waiting on AF, isn't really a conservation starter.

Newbie to ICLW

Welcome all! This post may not be all that interesting. Please, scroll down to see what I have been blogging about lately.

History: Check out the area to the right, it's too much to type at this time. And, it will make me cry.

Currently: Waiting on AF after D&C. Emotional. Started graduate classes. Stressed. Hit a deer last Thursday. Pissed.

Plan: 2nd LAP surgery to remove bad tube. Start BCPs when AF arrives to schedule a FET after the procedure.

For now: Bed. I am such a party pooper for being my age.

Show & Tell # 2

I took a week off, but I am back this week.

I would like to share with you something that DH & I bought last summer. In southeast Ohio there is an outdoor drama called Tecumseh that runs during the summer. Last year, I suggested that we go since DH had never been. I am not sure how many times I have been total, but I remember being there at least one other time as a child. I love plays and DH loves history. I knew the night would be a success. And, that it was!

After eating at the buffet, DH and I took a stroll through the gift shop. We just couldn't resist. We came across a display of necklaces. Attached to each necklace was a description as to what each symbol on the necklaces meant.

Each of the necklaces has a black rope connecting them. But, each necklace has a varying color and symbol.

One necklace is golden and has a touch of glitter. It stands for fertility among other things. I don't have the original description anymore, but I found this online:

"Kokopelli. Probably the most popular & well known Indian symbol. Known as the seed bringer and water sprinkler. A common fertility symbol throughout the Southwest. His image is found many times in petrography art. He is a personage who is honored as a kachina by most Pueblo cultures. He is associated with fertility, the male principal, biology, and the significance of guarding seeds. Usually depicted as old, bent under his heavy load with his flute. He travels to many communities, impregnating young women who are mesmerised from the notes played on his flute. Related to the cricket or locust whose natural music is associated with the state of humidity and seasonal weather. Many bawdy stories of his various exploits have been told. As a kachina doll, he is made with a staff, not a flute and is carved as a hunchbacked. His likeness also featured exaggerated male sexual organs until the missionaries came in the 1930's, who frowned on this practice. Today he is considered the ambassador of the Southwest."

The other necklace is pink. It also stands for fertility among other things. This is what I found online:

"The Turtle. A water animal. Strength, feminine "power fetish" animal, fertility, long life & perseverance. Considered by many to be able to defy death, also an annoyance to the Coyote."

For months, DH & I both wore one of the necklaces. If we didn't have them on all day we would at least have them on at night. Then, we started getting out of the routine. During our IVF cycle, we both wore them to the ER and ET (of course I took mine off when I had to). I still often find myself rubbing or kissing mine when I go to bed or wake-up. I view it as a good luck charm.

In all reality though... how much luck has it given me? Is this silly? They give me hope.

What are others sharing this week?

We Got Word

Halfway through my school day, I noticed I had a voicemail. After checking the number, I assumed it was from the hospital where I will be having my 2nd LAP in October. So, I immediately snuck away to listen to the message hoping to learn what time my surgery would take place.

When the message started, I quickly realized that it was from the nurse at my RE's office. The results are in... the baby's chromosomes were normal.

I don't know what to think. I should be happy, right? Just like I should have been happy when all of my bloodwork came back normal. I just want there to be a fix to this. I don't want to lose another baby. I have no guarantee.

I went back to class with a fake smile on face and tears in my eyes. I hope the students didn't notice. But who am I kidding? They notice everything.

I texted DH as soon as I could.

They want to know if we would like to know the gender . . .

Forward We Go

Our D&C follow-up was today. It went as expected for the most part. We had discussed most the same topics at our last appointment right before the procedure.

Pelvic Exam: All is well.

Bloodwork (TSH antibodies, other clotting factors we did not check before and both of our chromosomes): We already knew the results, but RE rehashed them today. All is well.

2nd LAP Surgery: It's a go. We are going to completely remove the tube in order to ensure no ectopic pregnancies on that side. It has been scheduled for 10.27. I will find out more details next week. I will be taking off work the Tuesday-Friday that week. After my last LAP, I had to have DH's help to even stand the first 2 to 3 days. DH is planning to take off the first 2 days. All will be well.

Plan: FET. Will start BCPs with arrival of AF. Will stay on them until CD 21 or if it falls after that day until a certain day that we will learn of later. Will eventually start Lupron (either CD 21 or another day past that). Will wait on AF again. On CD 2 or 3 will have baseline u/s. On CD 3 will start oral estrogen. What the heck is that for? I also forgot to ask about doxcycline. I am sure I will also have to take that again. I will continue the estrogen through CD 15 and on that day I will have a lining check (u/s). If all is well, I will begin PIO and Baby ASA. The ET will be 6 or so days later. My embies that are waiting will be thawed the day of the ET. Then, I will be pregnant and remain pregnant until I have a healthy baby or two in my arms. I hope all will be well.

Things I am doing in order to prepare: stocking up on anti-itch cream and extra bandages (for the after surgery stage )walking (hoping to lose a few IVF pounds), looking into acupuncture (I must relax), finding ways to increase blood flow to the uterus and enhance implantation.... hmm, what else should I be doing? Any hints? Of course, I am still taking my metformin and synthroid. I also need to find out if it's o.k. to start taking my prenatal and folic acid again.

Good News, Right?

Yesterday, I was so excited to post my first Show & Tell that I forgot to tell you all about my news. I got two calls from my RE's office yesterday. I didn't get to take either call; it's no longer summer and I am back to work. The first call was from the receptionist. She was simply confirming our D&C follow-up appointment for 9.9 @ 4pm. Good to go! We are more than anxious to learn about our next steps.

The second call was from the nurse. I called her back as soon as I left school. Our bloodwork form 8.19 was back. My TSH antibodies and several other clotting factors where checked and all came back normal. We had also decided to check DH & I's chromosomes and again all is well. It was a relief to hear, kind of. I know I should have cheered, had spirit fingers... something. But, part of me wanted to have something that we could fix.

Am I just that unlucky?

Show & Tell

I have been blogging since 4.09, but never made my thoughts/experiences public. At this point, only one family member reads along as my DH & I discuss our TTC history and journey ahead. Some of our other family members know about our struggles but only to a minimal degree. Here, I am able to share my times of good news, days that aren't so swell, test results and possible plans for the future. Right now, this blog is dedicated to our journey to becoming parents. One day, this blog will be turned into a place to share memories of our child or children to come.

For my first Show & Tell, I would like to show you a picture of DH & I at our wedding (6.23.07). It was one of the best days of my life. I can't believe at this point, which in all reality wasn't that long ago, we had no idea of our struggles to come. We both wanted to have children young. We decided to start trying in the summer of 2008. Well, I couldn't wait. I told my DH "it's unlikely it will work the first month. So, why not start trying now?" Of course, DH went along with what I wanted. That was at the end of March. As the months started to pass, I just knew something was wrong. Being a science teacher, I researched. I quickly learned about OPKs, temping, ovulation and I also learned that nothing about mine added up. Four doctors, many tests, two surgeries, tons of ultrasounds, countless medicines, two miscarriages and three sweet Angel Babies later... I am here. I am recovering from my D & C waiting for my follow-up appointment to once again make a plan.

In the past months, I have struggled with the idea of HOPE. I know I need to have a positive attitude and try to be as stress free as possible.... but who are we kidding. This TTC/infertility stuff is beyond a word, an explanation.

As I sit here looking at this picture, I pray that HOPE is once again instilled in me... in us.

Don't forget, to complete your own Show & Tell & to read others!